pause

I actually had such a block about recruiting and getting onto the fieldwork that I took a break - it all seemed too busy (and plus in my other life as a resaercher I'm immersed in recruitment and interviews - it all seemed a bit much). But it was the best thing I ever did! I've realised that I don't want to be too social sciency about the process - as a feminist resercher I need to make my own experience much more visible and central to the process and thesis. It's been a great experience to reflect on my own story and what it means and I think I needed to take the time to do that. It may seem indulgent but I have a secure methodological backing for this work and also it's a personal necessity - I'm remembering why I set out to do this in the first place and it is as much a personal as an intellectual journey. It also seems very important to tap into my creative side - this is not an objective, scientific, detached piece of research. For me, to express the personal explicitly in the work makes it more valid, more engaged and more honest - though of course any account will be a construction of reality. But in standpoint theory, without the lived experience of whoever is in a specific marginalised position, the knowledge becomes distorted. When else am I going to have this opportunity in my career as a researcher? Finally I feel as though I'm taking control, making it my own and remembering why I embarked on this project in the first place. And it certainly wasn't to conform to any preconceived rules. That's better!

Doctoral Learning Journey so far

Well I'm now at the beginning of my second year and the research fieldwork phase of my doctorate, although as I'm studying part-time it has been a long time coming...

The first year was great - trying out lots of ideas, reading, meeting people, attending conferences - it all felt a bit indulgent in a way and not too challenging. However, as I drew towards funding applications and the resarch outline, it started to become more problematic. I enjoyed solving epistemological challenges - how to reconcile feminist standpoint theory with post modern feminist perspectives - but as soon as one problem was solved another came up and it all started to feel overwhlming as I realised how little I knew and was drawn into revisiting the big questions, questioning who I am as a researcher. This all seemed to trigger a crisis in confidence and I also found that trying to mould what I wanted to do to what was deemed valid in funding terms was quite disheartening.

My research is looking at intimacy in the life trajectories of lone mothers and it has a huge significance to me personally - it has emerged as much from the conversations I've engaged in with friends as feminist theories / theories of intimacy and the family I've looked at and I'm aiming to keep it very focussed and grounded in experience. The aim is to uncover and explore experiences which have previously been marginalised. The underlying questions are about choice and contraint - structural / cultural / personal factors which impact on lone mothers' choice making and negotiations in the personal realm of their lives.

It only really came together at the end of last year when I did my research outline presentation. This forced me to put my resarch into more accessible terms in order to communicate what I was doing and in the process, somehow it became clearer to me and i could see the shape of it. Filling out the various forms for research outline approval also enabled me to simplify what I was doing and put it into a few succinct sentences - it then seemed clear, rather than a sprawling unmanageable mass of ideas, thoughts and experiences.

And now I'm taking time to reflect, write about my own experiences, develop my framework and gradually begin to recruit - the practicalities of recruiting participants is set to be a major challenge for this year...